A few weeks ago I realised it had been a long time since hearing from one of my best friends back in the States, so I dropped an email to check in, asking to chat sometime. I hadn’t heard back so the other day I rang and left a message: let’s chat when you have a moment. Finally I got a quick email back that said: “Been busy, got lots update you on, but I’ve been keeping up with you on Facebook. Glad to see you got to go to that wedding…” and so followed a list of what I’ve been doing the last few months. That’s nice, except for one thing.
I’m not on Facebook.
I’ve never signed in, uploaded photos, or reported my life on it. But other people are on Facebook, including My Other Half, which is where my friend got the info.
When I was at the aforementioned wedding, I was catching up with several friends I hadn’t seen in a while. I listened with interest to their latest stories and escapades, and then it came my turn to share my latest news. As I started to say each one, I was met with a quick cut-off, “Yeah, I saw that/read about it on Facebook,” indicating that they clearly did not want to hear deeper nuance or further details. And then there was nothing for me to say. Each conversation fell dead in the water when it came to my life.
I have purposely kept off Facebook so I could have real conversations with real people, especially those here in my field. And, despite not wanting to be fooled “into thinking we are both showing and seeing [reality]” , here Facebook was, taking away the last bastion of interaction. For any human, this is hard, but for a missionary long in the field, this is tragic.
Much has been said about whether missionaries should use Facebook (or Twitter, or whatever variety of social media). I’ve mentioned it, my mention has been mentioned, and others have mentioned it in regards to Christians in general. Far from a luddite and ever the Techno-Geek, I seriously pondered years ago whether I should be on Facebook. Personally, I didn’t want to share loads of info online (I think of it as Reverse Stalking, i.e. you provide all the details a stalker would be interested in) and would rather have one-to-one contact with people. I mean, I have a US phone number that rings here, Skype, a phone and a cell phone. There’s several ways, mostly free, to have a real-time conversation, an interaction with me if you’re not available in person.
Meanwhile, for our missionary support, My Other Half diligently keeps up the Facebook account, and I can report that it has helped keep our support and supporters informed better than our e-newsletter, blog, and print newsletter, all of which I keep going.
With parts of my life being broadcast, I’m beginning to understand how the celebrity feels when a third-party magazine starts publishing their trivial details. These friends think they know me from a few bits of information or a photo. The irony is that none of my friends, family or acquaintances know I write this blog.
If you’re on Facebook, that’s your call. Seriously. If it’s not become a god to you and is truly enhancing your relationships, by all means keep going. For me, perhaps it’s being in a relational field for so long, but I’d rather the personal touch, even if it means I don’t have 500 “friends” or don’t know that a classmate from the Third Grade is trying to decide on tacos or burritos for lunch.
So, even with some possible benefits, why don’t I want to post things on Facebook?
There are some things that are too long or detailed to post.
I’m told by My Other Half that most of social media is about pithy, short posts or updating the world about your mood at the moment. But how do I communicate some of the nuances of mission life here in 140 characters or less? (Yes, I know that’s Twitter, but you get my point) I get the feeling that all anyone wants to hear about when I have a face-to-face interaction with them is that I’m “doing fine” and things are “going well”; anything else takes too long and they have no attention span for that.
There are some things that can’t be said to a general audience.
No one really reports everything. If they did, then the church planter (who was also a prolific Twitterer) who was caught in the middle of long-term infidelity would have been tweeting about meeting the mistress. But he didn’t. Just because someone appears to tweet, report, etc. about loads in their life doesn’t mean that you’re getting the full picture, nor does it mean you “know” them. You only know “about” them, and isn’t that the same as reading those celebrity gossip magazines?
There are some things that shouldn’t be said to a general audience.
Reporting on things like bathroom breaks or regular, day-to-day stuff is just trivia and trivial. Not only do I not want to know these things about other people, I fear that announcing such things about oneself in a public format fosters narcissism and an unhealthy expectation of drawing public attention to common actions. It’s not amazing that you took out your trash today. Most everyone has to do this. I just don’t want to lose brain cells retaining that kind of knowledge that’s really nothing. I’d rather personally find out how you’re honestly doing than publicly know what you’re doing.
There are some things best shared in person (or at least in real-time communication).
Written communication has its limitations. Why do we have to literally indicate sarcasm in a written piece, when most people can pick up on the spoken tone? When you ask someone a question, the hesitation before the answer or the strain in the voice may indicate that they want to speak more and are trying to find the strength to do so. You can’t tell that in a text response. And we’re created with multiple senses for a reason. As I said before, for now, there is no substitute to physically being in the same moment, such as sharing a laugh in a coffee house or sitting in a park, experiencing the situation’s assault on your senses. At least with a phone call or video chat, you’ve engaged the sound as well as the sight.
I can report that my friend finally did call me back, and we were able to chat, catching up on so much of each other’s lives. I was able to discuss personal details that are just not public fodder, and I now know better how to pray for my friend, who uses Facebook to keep up on others’ lives but doesn’t update their Facebook page at all. Personal interaction may be dying a slow death, but I’m still not going on Facebook. There’s just something about hearing your friend’s voice and having a heart-to-heart conversation that can’t be replicated by technology.
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Hi C, another great post. Spot on observations about the limitations of FB and other social media. I myself use both but there are only certain types of items that I share, mostly directly related to ministry, Thai cultural observations, and other theology type of discussion points. And then there is the occasional funny thing that my kid said.
However, there is SO much more to what is going on with me, and in ministry, that I just don’t share online or in prayer letters. It is just not appropriate for a public forum, as you indicated. Social media is helpful to a certain degree in keeping in touch with supporters in the home country, but because of the “inappropriate for public consumption” factor, I think that missionaries going on home assignment is invaluable if for no other reason than they can meet face to face with people and share what is really happening – not only the good times, but the true depth of the bad times and discouragements on the field
Interesting post.
Several things come to mind… I do have a facebook account, and am quite aware that it can be a huge time-waster if allowed. We (my hubby and I) both have quite a cross-section of friends… some are, yes, the friends from grade school – you know, the ones that you forgot why you weren’t close friends after such-and-such a grade… Speaking of one of those, my hubby and I recently met with a friend I grew up with who lived across the street. She still lives in the town I grew up in, but I live across the country. She is not a believer, and connecting with her again, via fb and now in person again, opens a door that I assumed was closed forever.
We also have Bible school friends (28 years ago) that we’ve found on facebook, or who have found us. Again, fb allowed us to be in contact again, and meet in person. We were greatly encouraged by our time together, especially in hearing how God has been working in their lives. A side benefit – they are now supporting us.
Another group on facebook are believers who are with our mission agency, members from short term groups who have come to our field, missionaries and MKs from other agencies with whom we’ve connected due to their involvement in the trans-cultural training with which we’ve been on staff, supporters, etc.
Along that line, I’ve also connected (carefully checking out who they are) with believers through other friends, a Navajo pastor, and a Navajo woman. Again, on our recent trip out west, we had the privilege of meeting the woman and were greatly encouraged by her love for the Lord.
We also have connection with family members – primarily nieces and nephews who never connect any other way… it allows us to keep updated…
Then, there is the opportunity to connect with people from where we serve. Especially people who attended our kid’s clubs way back… who are now in college/working/becoming parents. We’ve found it to be a way to connect to people – overall not in a deep way initially – something to the equivalent of frequenting restaurants, stores, etc, and getting the current news of the area. I may not broadcast every mood I’m in, etc, but others do… through it, we are able to send private messages to those who are struggling, offering to pray for them. This is probably the main reason we have for keeping up with facebook.
As I’ve written, I realize that facebook has been a tool, and has initiated the face-to-face meetings. The same is to be said about an upcoming trip to our sending church area – we already have several face-to-face connections planned via fb.
Honestly – I don’t know about you, but we don’t have our mailbox overflowing with letters/notes from our support team. We do get some, for which we are very grateful! But not nearly in kind with the monthly communications that we give, which is demanded from some churches – the same churches that don’t communicate personally with us for years at a time.
We’ve also been able to request immediate prayer from our support team through private messages.
Now – it feels like I’m trying to justify our use of facebook, but I’m guessing it’s what we each prefer… I started a blog once – update it once in a great while when I can remember how to find it again… I don’t like to spend a lot of time checking out a lot of different blogs – I would forget to come back to yours if I didn’t subscribe to it. :-/ I feel like I’m in the wrong generation to think “blog.”
I do agree – facebook in the most general sense does not take the place of deep relationships. I also find that phone conferences, go-to-meeting conferences, etc may save a lot of money, but the body language, tone of voice, etc. are missing – or sometimes just silence from a member of the team or board – can greatly be misread…
I feel facebook is too superficial. I mean, you see bits and pieces of someone else life, and honestly it either inspires coveting (because someone has more than you or “enjoys” life more than you, etc.) or it just creates a sense of isolation. To top it off, half the people on my facebook aren’t even friends with me and I have started being more selective about who I accept as friends as a result. I mean, when someone constantly posts vacation/stuff on facebook and doesn’t even involve you for many years, then is he really a friend?
@Karl: Yes, there’s a different level to personal interaction. I wholeheartedly agree.
@Roxie: And you’re correct as well. What my post didn’t include is that your description of interactions and reconnections via Facebook is exactly why My Other Half maintains a presence. We’ve had an almost identical experience to what you describe–supporters being informed, reconnecting with old Christian friends. So because we’re already “represented” on Facebook, that’s why I’ve chosen not to go on. It is a double-edged sword, to be sure, and there are definitely good things about FB, too.
@Tai Fu: Again, you’re correct, too. It can be superficial. Someone who only tells you about a vacation but doesn’t interact is like the American tradition of sending people a “Brag Letter” once a year at Christmas with no further interaction. Facebook isn’t really the problem, it’s HOW we use Facebook.
I hate to say this, as much as I like (and dislike) facebook, I feel facebook interaction is like being in a prison, where your friends visits you and you talk to them through a bulletproof window with handsets. It feels isolating, especially being in a country where I have a real difficulty in making friends and making friends over the internet has been difficult due to the lack of these personal interactions.
@Tai Fu: I feel the same way (from what my Other Half tells me about Facebook), probably because we’re in a country that’s difficult to make friends, too. Very hard to interact beyond “Hello”. Maybe it’s different if you’re in your homeland, surrounded by friends.
I remember the days before facebook when we were on the field and I know the days of facebook being on the field now. What a bonus to relationships and support upkeep. Just received this today,
“hey Marc. i just wanted to send you and the staff a message to encourage you all. I cannot explain the love I have for you all. I miss you like family and am so excited to see the things you are doing on facebook. I cannot wait for the day i will get to see you again. Keep up the good work my brothers and sisters.”
There is a the mix between the non-face to face and the face to face. He loves keeping up and longs to see us face to face. I have found that Facebook has been a first step in actually having a few skype video conversations. Also, returning back to the states for a month we found that we were not needing to show everyone slides or a video…we could jump right into conversations about each others lives…mainly theirs.
I hear you my brother and it’s good to keep FB in check.
@Marc: This is exactly why my Other Half keeps a Facebook presence, and it has resulted in keeping supporters informed and encouraged.
Hello C. Holland! Nice name you have! This stuff we call “social networking” nowadays has really de-personalized relationships. Many people, myself included, have many FB “friends” that we wouldn’t know if we ran into them. It’s easier for people to hide behind a computer and be what they want to be rather than have to personally interact and expose themselves to others, flaws and all. I believe people have become numb to personal relationships, which makes it harder for them to accept a personal relationship with Jesus, as well. May God bless you and keep you safe as you seek to follow the work He has laid out for you.
@Carl: Thanks. I doubt we’re related.
I really appreciate your point about the lack of personal human relationships will make it harder to understand what that could look like with Jesus. When I try to understand what that looks like, I often think how my Other Half or family or friends would feel if I neglected them for long times like I have neglected God in the past. If I didn’t have that point of reference, I’m not sure how I would understand it–other than the Holy Spirit instructing me.