I’m Not There: Why the Missionary Can’t Have It Both Ways
Posted by C. Holland on Jul 29, 2009Upon her arrival, the new missionary spoke enthusiastically to me about communicating back home: “Oh, I’m on MySpace, Facebook, Bebo, Twitter, AIM, MSN Messenger, Skype, and I even have a blog. I hear from all my friends and family back home so much, it’s like I’m still there.” Silently I thought, “Yet, the reality is, you’re not.”
I could relate. In a prior post, “The Double Life of the Missionary”, I spoke of navigating the nuances of two similar but definitely non-identical cultures and the difficulty of keeping up with both. Having heard so many stories of missionaries dispatched to far-flung fields, rarely to be heard from over very long periods, even we had made sure to be so very reachable in different ways. We’ve made such an effort to keep up with our friends and family, not only letting them know about us but also finding out what’s new in their lives.
We had decided before we left for our field that very frequent visits back to the States could play havoc with not only our bank account but our sanity. A psychologist friend backed this decision up, citing a study that showed vacillating between two cultures for too long would produce a disconnect because of a lack of commitment to either situation. Friends both here and back in the States are sometimes incredulous. We’ve chosen not to return to the States for key events, both good and bad. “You missed your 20-year high school reunion?” they’ve said, or “You didn’t go back for her wedding?” We’ve supported those family and friends through prayer and communication, but if we had endeavoured to be present at every event, then we wouldn’t be here. We realise we’ll probably visit at some point in a few years; we’re simply not popping back and forth every few months on a whim or at will.
A consistent indicator that I recognised in missionaries who couldn’t handle life “back home” going on without them was their over-attachment to texting, messaging, or emailing; one woman called all her friends every day on Skype so much that I honestly don’t know where there was any time left for basic life practices, not to mention ministry. So much time was spent by several other missionaries keeping up on each friend’s life that they never had the time or energy to interact with the very people to whom they were supposed to be ministering. It occurred to me that they were missing the point of coming over here in the first place, and I’m sure it’s no surprise that none of them are here today, many leaving considerably sooner than the end of their term.
Yet nothing can take the place of experiencing life in the moment, not through words or images or sounds. Babies are born, people get older, children grow up, relatives fall ill or perhaps die. Sometimes friends change jobs, houses, locations or spouses. There are good changes, lateral changes, and bad changes. With today’s technology you can be notified almost instantly about such news, no matter how far away you may be. But presence in a moment is something technology has yet to duplicate, and there’s just something more compelling about personal human interaction.
For now, there is no substitute to physically being in the same moment, such as sharing a laugh in a coffee house or sitting in a park, experiencing the situation’s assault on your senses. Mission life is a dual reality, and the two can never completely merge.
Please understand that I’m not advocating a cut-off of all communication back home; I think that could be just as jarring or detrimental. I feel that there needs to be a healthy realisation that, even with today’s technology, there is a personal sacrifice in devotion to full-time mission work, and it means you can’t always be present for family and friends as you might have been in the past. I know that I cannot participate in the new (and different) life of my mission field and still fully maintain life as it was in my homeland. Because I’m not there.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!Related posts:
- Want to Be a Missionary? Ask Yourself This
The “Just Be Yourself” Paradox
Pulling Your Hand Out of a Bucket
Missionary Confidential by Email
July 30th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Thanks for reminding us of this struggle. Many walk away from US relationships and contact 100% and then wonder why no one cares when they return to the US. The opposite is living on my internet doing stupid Facebook quizzes…..the right space is somewhere in the middle. Thanks for the reminder, now back to my Facebook quizzes!
July 31st, 2009 at 4:35 am
@Grady: It is a balance and a struggle, which is why I let my other half deal with the Facebook account!
August 4th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Thank you for the post. I am preparing now for the field, and I am intensely interested in communication capabilities. Not only have I realized that I can be too connected when I am home (facebook, IM, Skype, etc.), but I have realized that this could be a big problem on the field. I appreciate your insight here.
August 5th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
It was a huge challenge to us when we were on the field. One way to balance it was to say there is work time, there is home time, there is sleep time. Home communications were done during home time, but even that had to be balanced, because some of home time was spent in local friendships too. If you find it seriously challenging, then I would suggest considering setting hard % limits in order to discipline yourself.
August 14th, 2009 at 10:26 am
@Debtor Paul: Communication can be a great thing–in moderation. Many of the missionaries I referenced did not appear to realise the imbalance was making it harder to commit to where they were. It’s just something to be aware of.
@Justin: Good thoughts. Because some of these communication tools are newer, I wonder if mission agencies address these issues when training new missionaries.
October 9th, 2009 at 2:34 am
Wow, very intriguing. I actually never thought of communication in this light. As a long-term (life) missionary myself currently stationed in the Philippines, I find your words all too true. The fact that short term missions has become a very acceptable trend, i think, plays into the whole communication theory as well. People are too connected with their home town/country and consequently they become more and more unwilling to endure the hardship of being separated from them as they are constantly reminded of (bombarded with)their old life and old relationships which communication won’t let them be weened of. Communication, something which seems like such a blessing is also a very subtle and yet a very real and damaging temptation for inexperienced, uncommitted missionaries. very good insight.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
@Naomi: It’s a tough balance, because I’d never encourage someone to cut off ties completely, yet today’s communication makes it too easy to feel like you’re keeping up with those back home. It’s something each person might have to decide on limits to keep it in check.