One of the struggles I’ve faced being a missionary is the fact that my evangelical Christian parents don’t approve of my choice. At all. While their initial reaction was understandable, I thought and prayed that perhaps their stance would soften over time. It has not. In fact, year by year they have increasingly rejected most contact I’ve tried to make. Conversations have become few and far between, and any mention I make of ministry here is met with stony silence and a quick topic change, so there’s not much to talk about after a few minutes. I am no longer kept “in the loop” about even serious things, like my father’s recent surgery, until there was a complication afterward. I’m very close to being disowned.
In no way am I making a sympathy grab here, just trying to explain that some parents take this very, very hard.
Because of this situation, every time I read in the Bible, “Honour your father and mother,” there’s a little pang of thought: Am I? If you asked them, I believe they would immediately answer a resounding “No!” However, after a lot of consideration of the situation, I have to respectfully disagree.
They raised me in a Christian home, dutifully attending church and with the instruction of doing what the Bible says. I’m certain God placed this call on my life a lot earlier than I once realised and know that my motivations and intentions here are solely a reaction to Jesus’ command, nothing more. This missionary life isn’t an avoidance of something else, an attempt to pad my resume, or crafted as a spite measure or glory grab. I know they don’t see it this way, but it’s true nonetheless. A good friend helped me realise that the number one way we can honour our parents is to unashamedly follow Jesus with all our soul, mind and heart.
While my parents’ long-term reaction may be on the extreme side of things, I was surprised to hear over the years from so many missionaries how many of their parents, sometimes one or the other or both, were so upset at their decision. It’s not something that is talked about very often, understandably. But I think it should be addressed because it is a serious issue. Somehow I stumbled upon this article, which at first laments the younger generation’s apathy about committing to a situation and seeing it through. Fair enough, but this paragraph towards the end was what caught my attention:
“We may need to redefine for this generation of parents what it means to release their children to the Lord. Where are the parents who pray for God to use their sons and daughters and then lay them on the altar for Him? Where are the parents who teach their children that when God speaks to them, the only answer is, ‘Lord, here am I. Send me?’”
Are parents upset because…their (adult) child (and grandchildren) will live thousands of miles away from them? …they fear their child will not have enough money to live? …there may be extreme danger in the field to which they are called? I recognise that, for a parent, these are legitimate concerns for their offspring’s welfare. None of them are easy to reconcile against what secular culture teaches. But neither is the life of a missionary. We are oddities, both in and outside of Christian culture.
Where does this leave me? I defer to God, first and foremost, always. Prayer for my parents is offered up constantly, but even if I lose complete contact with them, that sacrifice is so little compared to Christ’s sacrifice on the cross.
No related posts.
I am so happy to have found this blog. My husband and I are in the beginning stages of applying for missionary service, and our parents are only vaguely understanding what “full-time” will likely mean. My family in particular views our efforts as our way of “taking an adventure.” I wonder if they will lose interest and contact in our lives when we have been gone a few years.
God bless you! I am looking forward to reading more of your blog!
.-= Rosalie´s last blog ..Commitment. It’s Hard. =-.
@Rosalie: Welcome to the blog! I can only answer what I’ve experienced in my situation, and both my parents and a few family members viewed this as a ploy for an “extended holiday”. It’s probably because our mission field is also a popular tourist location and not in the 10/40 window; most Americans are unaware of the spiritual need here.
Once we passed the 2 year mark in the field, some of those who initially seemed supportive of our mission here then told us they thought we would have “gotten this out of our system by now” and would return to the States to be “normal Christians”.
I’m afraid contact with many friends and family has slowed considerably, though I realise that some of that is normal for long-distance relationships regardless of mission. We’re living a very different life culturally than those in the States. Because we have not returned back to visit (our ministry is too tender at the moment), I think some of it is “out of sight, out of mind”.
God bless your commitment, and I pray that He gives your family and those around you understanding and compassion for the mission He has called you to.
C, its becoming clearer that we’re in the same boat as you describe. Now that we’re returning to Europe for foreign ministry some are wondering why? “Didn’t they get that out of their system after 3 years in Ireland?” No one has said that specifically, but the feeling is there. Thanks for sharing a very poignant post.
.-= Kevin´s last blog ..Ministry sacrifice =-.
@Kevin: I’m generalising, but it seems that “long-term missionary” as most Christians understand it is two, maybe three years, tops, but definitely no more. No one has yet to explain to me where they’re getting this specific length restriction (perhaps because initial commitments tend to be that long and some don’t return?), but since we’ve passed Year Three I’m getting the vibe that we’re now in the “taking this religion stuff too seriously” category. I’m glad you’re following God back to Western Europe.
I think you are a bit to serious about this “ministry thing!” Come back down to earth already and be “normal.”
.-= Kevin´s last blog ..Ministry sacrifice =-.
Mathew 10:
“Jesus continued, Don’t think that I came to bring peace on earth. I didn’t come to bring peace, but a sword. I came to set men in conflict with their fathers, and the daughter against her mother and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. A man’s enemies will be his own family. Whoever loves his father or mother more than me isn’t worthy of me and whoever loves their son or daughter more than me isn’t worthy of me. Whoever loves his life will lose it, but whoever gives his life for my sake will find it.”
@Kevin: Hee hee! If you met me, you’d realise pretty quickly that I’m abnormal in most every way.
@Eric: So very true. I’ve found much comfort in that passage, if only to explain what I’m going through.
In our case it’s not so much the fact that we’re missionaries but *where* we are missionaries. What worries our parents is the fact that we live in the middle of a war zone in northern Mexico. They see the Drug War on the nightly news and it alarms them – no matter how much reassuring I try ultimately they have to entrust us to God’s care. In my point of view I think it’s much harder to be the worrying parent than the missionary in danger. I have a son who’s 17 and he regularly goes into the most crime and violence ridden parts of the city to minister and I have to be honest that sometimes I want to tell him not to go there (he goes with his YWAM grp). So here I am being the worrying parent as well!
.-= Greg in Mexico´s last blog ..Thanksgiving lesson =-.
@Greg: Because we’re not in a war zone, I had mistakenly thought that my parents would be okay with this. I don’t discount the legitimate fears and concerns that any parent would have about your situation (and that you have for your son), but you’re right, it is ultimately a trust issue for both the missionary and the relatives. God bless your brave work there; the alarming news about Mexico makes it over here quite often.
I’m so sorry that you have experienced such a lack of blessing from your parents, and I’m glad you’re writing about it because I know that you’re not alone.
I’d like to recommend a website and a book that might be helpful to them…we are the National Network of Parents of Missionaries, http://www.pomnet.org
and the book is called Parents of Missionaries: How to Thrive and Stay Connected When Your Children and Grandchildren Serve Cross-Culturally. It can be ordered from amazon or from the publisher (Authentic), and it’s also available as an e-book.
Although parental fears are natural, a bigger issue for many parents is grief–and often they don’t recognize it as such, nor do the people around them, and so the grief is never resolved.
We deal with this parental grief on the website and in the book and strive to give parents support for all of their emotions and tools for dealing with them.
There is such help and healing in connecting with others in similar circumstances. I’m praying right now that your parents and the parents of others who are reading your blog will be encouraged to take a risk and reach out. We would love to connect with them.
Many blessings to you,
Diane Stortz
NNPOM
@Diane: Thanks for the resource; I had no idea a group like yours existed. Your prayers are most appreciated.
My heart goes out to you! It seems like my parents view missions as a professional career. They were excited for me about my choice to serve in Mexico. But are now beginning to show their true colors when I let them know that God may send me anywhere He pleases, even if it is far far away and not the normal place to serve in. It could be years from now when I do become a missionary, but it still hurts to know that my parents approval is contingent on where exactly I go and what exactly I do there.
.-= Stephanie (Committed Christian)´s last blog ..Sharing and Showing the Love of the Resurrected Christ: Easter Outreach for Group Home Kids =-.
@Stephanie: I’m sorry to hear this, yet I actually experienced something similar. Though my parents were not excited at first, they misunderstood the call. Because I had a fascination with my mission field years ago (though not with a missional purpose at that time), they at first assumed I wasn’t serious about “this missionary thing” and that it was a thinly veiled attempt to get others to pay for us to live here. That, by itself, was pretty insulting.
Once I made it clear that God can still call me to other places, even dangerous places, and I will leave this field in a second for a new one (if it’s truly His call), they finally realised this is actually about following God on mission, not about getting to the specific mission field. It appears, in my situation, that they are deeply hurt that I am considering God before their wishes.
God bless you as you follow His call, and I pray that in time God will give your parents understanding.
Great post. I can relate to much of this as my family is pursuing the path we know God has prepared for us–despite what our family may want. If you check out my blog, you’ll see I’m dealing with a lot of the same thoughts.
.-= Chris´s last blog ..The Path I Walk =-.
@Chris: You have go where God leads, even if it goes against current Christian assumptions or trends. I know some Christians would rather me serve in the 10/40 window than here in Western Europe, and some would argue we should spend the remainder of our lives serving in traditional ministry in the States. I defer to God.
One of the things that being in the mission field has taught me is that mission requires support, and that can be within the States, too. A good friend of ours has been serving with New Tribes stateside as an administrator; another friend serves a similar function in Russia. The Body of Christ is diverse!
Hi God bless you. missionary uh?!. Well I agree with you C. Im 18 years old and this august I will start my senior year of high school. However, my parents exspect me to go to college and be a professional, but the problem is that right now Im just waiting Gods confirmatiom so I can talk to them and tell them (specially my mom) that im not going to college. Instead, Im going to study to be a minister and little by little prepare myself to be a missionary. Where I plan to go is not a college nor university but is a blble institute. Im really praying that God can give me the wisdom and prudence that I need so I can talk to them. I do not know if by this desicion I am going to have to leave my house. My parents believe in God but again, even the demons believe in Him.
@yady: Welcome to the blog. I’m so sorry to hear of this, yet I’ve been there myself. As a high school senior, my parents were not happy with my decisions, either (I’m much, much older now). They’re Christian, too, yet wanted me to choose a different career and preferred I not do anything in Christian ministry. I didn’t want to go against their wishes, but I have never regretted following God’s direction instead.
Though it may be difficult, as a fellow Christian I must encourage you to follow God’s direction despite this unfortunate situation. I pray that He will give you the understanding and wisdom to talk to them about it, and I also pray that your parents would not remove you from the house. God bless you as you decide to follow Him.
I stumbled on your blog tonight. I am deeply saddened for you and your parents when I read of their decision to not encourage you in your obedience to walk this difficult road.
I am a POM. (parent of a Christian missionary)
My daughter lives with her husband and my grandchildren in Haiti.This is not a temporay thing. They are there for the long haul. I understand the fear and struggle your parents have. I also know the honor is is to see your children follow Jesus at whatever the cost.
There is a really good book out by Diane Stortz that is written to help parents accept what their children are doing. There are also support groups and internet sites to help us with the rough spots…
It is VERY hard but very wonderful to be the parent of a Christian Missionary. But know that “even if your father and mother forsake you” there is still the one who sticks closer than a brother.
@Denise: Thank you for your kind words. God bless you for supporting your missionary family.
Hey C.
I am sorry to hear your parents reaction, but am somewhat relieved to know I am not the only one who is in this boat, I have been full-time in missions for a little over 6 months now and my Mom and her husband have completely disowned me. as well I am serving within a western country so many potential supporters are deterred by the idea that I’m not “on the field”
anyways thanks for your in site
@Evan: I’m sorry you’ve experienced this, too, but it seems to be a common thread that’s never discussed (then again, where would be a good place/time?). It’s my hope and prayer that through honest discussion missionaries and their parents/family can be aware of this issue and hopefully work through it instead of cutting ties.
I am a former missionary. My whole family really struggled with reverse culture shock and abandonment by our church when we returned 8 years. So when my unmarried daugher say she was leaving for the other side of the world to be with a people who have been evangelized for hundreds of years unsuccessfully, my heart sank. Am I worried about ethnic violence, political instability, disease, and travel dangers? Yes, but we’ve been there and done that. I’m much more concerned about the longerm scars she will likely get from being frustrated from rejection of those she is going to while being forgotten by those who sent her.
Unlike what I’ve read here, we have a great relationship and very much enjoy visitng with each other. She has prayed for years that i will accept and even embrace her desires. I’m typicaly very open minded but my heart and mind haven’t moved at all on the subject. I will not support an activity that I think is ultimately harmful to her.
For the record, I have no problem with her wanting to go into the world – I even hope that for her. My hangup is going to a place with very low receptivity. She has her heart set on that one specific location though.
The question then is this: if she feels a call to a place but her parents feel strongly against it, then what should be done? .
@Bernard: From what you’ve written, it sounds like the issue is that you don’t want your daughter to be disappointed; I think every parent would share that concern. But I still feel that the Bible is clear that we are to follow God first and foremost, despite possible obstacles.
This is interesting. I have over the past year and a half felt that God might be calling me to the mission field soon. I’m not afraid of hard work and God has given me a surprising calmness about leaving everything behind for him. But my parents. They are in extreme objection to the idea, mind you I’ve never told them that I feel this might be God’s call on my life but just from the way they talk. Missions is for men, though they don’t say it in those words they certainly believe it. Women should stay at home with their parents until marriage, and when they stay at home they mean no job, no coffee with friend, no birthday parties with Christian friends, no going places on my own, no staying with my married sister, no just calling her up and talking on the phone, and it doesn’t get any better day by day. Here’s my questions, almost out of my teenage years are my parents too controlling? If they have this attitude how will they react if I want to be a missionary? Should I go anyway?
@Claire: It’s hard for me to say if your parents are “too controlling”, and it’s also difficult to determine how parents/family will react to mission work. However, I do believe you should do what God is calling you to do, though it may be difficult. Keep asking Him for direction on how to decide.
I realize this is an old post, but wanted to comment anyway.
My wife and I have an opportunity to go full-time in Central America. Her parents are Christians, and will ultimately be supportive, I believe.
My parents, however, are not believers. I doubt that they will understand the desire to serve God above all else. It is hard because they know enough of the BIble to understand the “honor you father and mother” bit, but not enough to realize that the highest expression of that is to give ourselves to whatever path God would have us go down. It is also made more difficult by the fact that my siblings are very immature with some special needs, so my wife and I, in my oparents eyes, are the ones that have “made it.” It would be hard for them for us to leave…
I am also curious, if you are inclined to share, what you parents thought when you were forced to return home. Has that helped or hurt the relationship?
@Dave: I’m sorry that you are facing your parents’ disapproval. In regards to our unexpected return, they’re ecstatic that we’re back and have become much more interactive.
noticed some of your comments in the responses regarding feeling looked down upon for not serving in the 10/40 and am curious about what your response is to people who say that? Thanks.
Thanks for all the contributions to this post. My family is currently serving in East Asia. We are just about to finish our language training, and will be moving on to another city most likely. My parents who are Christians and have really never been verbally supportive (though supportive in other ways), just got used to the life and place where we currently live. Now we are about to change all that. They are going though another very difficult adjustment all over again, and are very opposed. Even though they have gone to church for over 20 years, they don’t have a concept that we are to be living sacrifices (their reply, “That’s something Jesus does for us, that’s not our responsibility”). Lastly, I’ve always believed that parents of missionaries will never really be supportive or understand what their children are doing until they themselves are called. In other words, just like their children who are on the field, the parents need just as equal a calling to release their children to God’s service.
@Adam: It depends; I usually have to ask why they feel that way and answer to that. If they feel the 10/40 window is better because it’s more efficient (“I can send 3 missionary families for what it takes to support you in Western Europe”), I ask if God mandates that we only send missionaries where it’s most efficient and ignore legitimate personal callings based on money issues alone.
If they feel that missionaries should only go where there’s a harvest at the moment (“Nothing much is happening in Western Europe, you know”), I will generally agree that the bulk should be sent to labor. However, I then ask, using the farm analogy, what about the handful who need to break the soil, prepare the fields, and plant the seeds for eventual harvest? I believe it will come to Western Europe, perhaps in our lifetime, but I don’t understand ignoring it until then.
If they want to reach only unreached people groups (“Hey, Europe already had it’s chance with the Gospel”), I let them know that our mission country is still <1% Evangelical Christian, clearly within the definition for unreached people group. I also ask them about the logic of not presenting the Gospel to today’s European teens and young adults, who were not raised in believing homes; they’re implying that, because somewhere several generations back a generation was Christian, they’ve had their shot and missed out today.
And, if they think a missionary can only serve non-white people who are destitute and speak another language than English (this I’ve encountered the most, by the way), I ask them where those parameters came from. What few replies I’ve received have been, “Well, that’s what the missionaries that presented in my church usually do.”
@Tom: I agree, both about some parents feeling that sacrifice is only something for Jesus to do, and about some parents not willing to release their adult kids to God’s service. The only thing I can come up with is prayer and having to accept that you’re following God first, parents second.
What’s your take on a situation where I accept the idea of my son being called as a missionary (he is currently serving in Honduras); I just don’t believe that the particular work he’s doing over there is really God’s will for him or being done in God’s way. He’s not with a missions board or anything to guide or oversee him. Isn’t it possible that the specific work he’s doing is more a result of his own passions rather than a direct call from God? Why is it always the assumption that whatever missions work someone decides to undertake is always “from God”, and that those who question or oppose it are fighting God’s will on a loved one’s life?
@Diane: If you look over the comments, the majority of the issues are parents saying “no” to missions anytime/anywhere for varied reasons. Yes, it is possible that his passion is being cloaked in “the call”, and I have met people who have hid behind that; however that doesn’t mean that all people hide behind it. As a missionary who was not sent by a missions board (instead directly by our church) and our oversight was less than we would have preferred, I can’t see how that automatically invalidates a “call”.
Without details about how his mission work is not being done “God’s way”, it’s hard for me to say. Perhaps you can schedule a time with your clergy to discuss this and seek their counsel.