On the mission field you see a lot of things, hear a lot of things, feel a lot of things. But the hardest thing to overcome is the voices in your head.
You know what I’m talking about. They’re not audible (we’re not talking schizophrenia here), they don’t make logical sense, but they’re always there. Hanging on your every hang-up, weakness, and self-doubt, those voices know exactly how to get to you. And even though there’s no actual proof for 99% of it, you just feel that it’s so believable.
Oh, I had those voices before. Before I was a Christian, before I entered missions. I think—I know—a lot of people hear these voices, too. It’s just being human. But stepping onto Satan’s territory, the volume goes up. Way up. And the attacks are much more precise, delving deeper into your psyche than ever before. There they are, lurking at every turn, sometimes so out of the blue that it almost literally knocks the wind out of you.
“They don’t want you here.”
“You can’t do this.”
“It all seems hopeless.”
“What if you get kicked out of the country?”
“You’re an imposter.”
“How will you survive if the funds take a nose dive?”
“They will never see you as anything more than a foreigner with an alien agenda.”
“You deserve better.”
“You’ve done your time; why keep on going?”
You don’t usually see the arrows coming. Funny thing is, the arrows don’t hit; they just whizz by, uncomfortably close but not an actual strike. I don’t know what it is, but it seems to come when nothing’s wrong, no one’s started anything, and there’s absolutely nothing in the physical world to point to. Just these weird convictions that seem to come out of nowhere, sound seductively simple yet true. And they’re not.
But I don’t give in to them. I can’t. I won’t. Partly because I’m stubborn, but more because I can’t sense God in any of it. None of it makes sense, and quite frankly, they’re all lies. I’ve got no proof and, what’s more, it’s never revealed to me when I’m in my quiet time or any time I’m focussing on God. Never. Not once.
So what do I do? Conquer by continuing. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Pray, pray, and pray some more. Because if my time here on earth has taught me anything, it’s that Satan starts to ramp up the attacks when you’re stepping on his toes and close to a breakthrough for God’s Kingdom. I’ve seen so many missionaries give up on something that they thought was impossible—only to find out that if they’d waited a couple of months, things would have been so much different, better, right.
I can’t take that risk.
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so true…. it helps to have perspective. There’s a certain balance, I’m finding, between going ahead confidently and realizing how true it is that I, personally, don’t have it all together, and can’t do anything on my own.
God is scraping away all that is “wood, hay, and stubble” in my life – things I’m doing in my own strength (as an MK and now missionary wife, I know the “HOW” of ministry – but it’s not always Spirit led, it’s “man pleasing” instead)… which the enemy uses as an opportunity to attack with some of the things you have heard…
My mom introduced me to a song – in the 80s or 90′s called, “Don’t Give Up on the Brink of a Miracle.” Says it all, doesn’t it? Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if Shadrach, Meshach, & Abednego had given in, or Daniel, or Joseph, or any other great men or women of faith… ?
Thanks for the reminder to “conquer by continuing.”
“You can’t do this job”
“You are a terrible missionary!”
“There are no lasting changes despite your being here for 13 years.”
“You make the situation worse.”
The enemy attacks especially when I’m already tired, worn out, and vulnerable. So, my walk with Christ is full of claiming His strength, His purpose, His fruit, and His grace.
@Roxie: So true about both balance and being attacked when we’re tired/worn out. It’s such an exercise of our faith!
That so resonates with me! I lost count a long time ago about how many times the “voices” came into my head. I also must say that I had plenty of people discouraging me but I’m still going, by the grace of God, toward being a missionary! We Christians have been saved by grace and it is by the grace of God we can do the impossible. After all, it is God who saves the lost. Also, I admire your tenacity in being a missionary in such a difficult mission field!
Thanks so much for posting! We’re having our group spiritual retreat right now and it was so insightful today to consider Jesus in John 12. Saying, “it is for this reason I have come to this hour” (of pain) and basically reminding us all that by fulfilling our calling and “dying”, the fruit will come. He kept his eyes on the greater reality of all of us that he was going to bring into the kingdom and we’re reminded to do the same, rather than give up. But he also said elsewhere “Take this cup away from me,” so he was sorely tempted by those voices, too. He knew where he was going and that it wasn’t going to be pleasant and if God wanted to do it another way, that’d be ok with him! I feel like that all the time. So I’m encouraged by my Leader and how he reacted when faced with this. Yes, conquer by continuing. Think about the bigger story. How many people from your area might be there in the end because you obeyed God’s call, even if you see nothing now. The rewards he has promised. Our own freedom in that paradise from all the trials here. Even from the voices.
Our speaker today also talked about arguing with God’s will. It’s fairly pointless. You can throw all your reasons out there like Moses and in the end God is just thinking, “Yeah, whenever you’ve finished arguing, just get on with it.” Not to say he doesn’t care, but hey, would you be doing anything else in your life rather than what God’s called you to? Right?
Our spiritual retreat speaker last year had a theme of “A Life-long Learning to Lose your own Strength.” And that’s just it. Like Roxie said, if we think we can do stuff on our own and it’ll be any good, then we perhaps need a few good failures to kick us in the guts and get us seeing things from God’s perspective. So, I’d say the voices that say “I can’t do it” can be good if they drive you to offer it all to Jesus and say “Do your miracles with my bread roll and my fish.” And he will.
@Committed Christian: The tenacity is more about looking to God than being concerned about numbers, immediate results, or the encouragement of other Christians. If I was concerned about those things, I’d have been out of here long, long ago! But it’s God who put this weird call to this strange land on our heart, and I see us more as the people who are working the soil and planting the seeds. We may never see “harvest” in our lifetime, but I believe it is coming.
@Kathy: Good thoughts.
We find, too, that God calls us to be faithful. It’s hard not to see results – which the enemy uses as those “voices in my head” to discourage me, to cause me to doubt… however, my husband and I keep reminding ourselves… after looking for sin in our lives that may be causing our ineffectiveness, then we remember that God who called us is faithful, and He will do it in His own time – and we are NOT called to bring results, but to be faithful to His calling. He brings the results in His time.
I am so thankful that He has chosen to use me, knowing how defective I am on my own, how unworthy of the calling!
and the other comments – Amen and Amen!
I keep getting those voices too, and it gets louder, not quieter once I entered the EU. When I was in Taiwan the voices generally says something like “You’ll never go to Germany, Taiwan’s going to be your new “home” forever”, “You’ll always be stuck in a crap situation” kind of thing, but once I entered the EU it’s more like “They don’t want you here”, “Germans hate foreigners”, “Get out before a skinhead murders you”, “The Auslanderbehorde/ German embassy will always give you trouble”, “What if you run out of money”, etc.
The funny thing is they often become much louder when something happens, like when a person I only recently knew stops contacting me for whatever reason. I often get into a deep depression because of that, and finding support is rather difficult because my impression has always been that Germans are not so open to new relationships. I had a lot of trouble finding a place to live, visa troubles, relationship troubles, issues with trying to learn and adapt to the system here, etc. and help has been rather difficult to find. Sometimes it is almost like the land wants to spit me out and force me to return and start from square one. However little by little my most dire/immediate troubles has been resolved right when I needed it the most, like housing situations. A church has helped me greatly in resolving my housing trouble, and the hope is that they will also help with the visa trouble as well. I don’t know how will relationship troubles be solved, although it’s not as dire as not having a place to live in. However I often feel rejected due to not knowing the language here, and that voice “they hate foreigners” only seems to grow louder and louder.
@Tai Fu: Yep, had all those thoughts, just not in reference to Germans, but you get the idea. I think you hit the issue when you said, “my most dire/immediate troubles has been resolved right when I needed it the most”. God is never late and is rarely early, but He is always on time to supply our need, and I think it’s that time in between that strengthens our faith. That time is the toughest of all!
I can identify completely. Most common voice for me is: “No one is really interested in what you have to offer. If you left today, it wouldn’t matter to anyone”. The hard thing is that there is both truth and falsehood mixed up in it. Focusing on God’s call and promises helps though
@Karl: I’ve heard that one, too, and I’ve had many missionaries in my field disclose this as well. It’s why many have left. And you’re right–it is both right and wrong. God does the heavy lifting, not us, and our call is to be faithful to His direction first, regardless of seeming results (or lack).
While being in Europe is hard spiritually (mostly because sometimes the younger nationals are so closed minded), I am constantly reminded that churches are shrinking and that there is a deep spiritual need here.
I am so thankful to have found this blog and this post! We are serving in Southern Africa as missionaries, and just on the ground for 2 months. Culture shock and these voices that you refer to hit me square in the face over the past couple of weeks. We spent 3 months earlier this year on a “trial run” and felt that we had overcome all of this…not so! Thank you for your honesty and transparancy. I believe it is a gift from above.
Wow…so we’re not alone??? I occasionally struggle, but for the most part I’m more than happy here on the field, where we’ve been 11 years…but my husband struggles a lot…when people asked us when we first came, “How long are you going to do this?” We always responded, “Well, we don’t have a plan B.” We came expecting this to be lifelong, but now he is forming a plan B…I’m praying for him, but everything in this article is exactly what he’s said-reasons he’s given for wanting to leave.
Some comments he makes a lot are:
“Why bother?”
“Someone else can do it.”
“Living here sucks the life out of me.”
“I can’t say what I want to say” ( language difficulty )
I keep quiet most of the time but it’s hard. When I fast I see a temporary improvement, but I know if something doesn’t change in his heart, he’ll find a reason to go back to the States.
So true – I have worked with missionaries for years and have witnessed all that you wrote. Bless you for it.
I have just found this website and am so glad I have. I can so relate to most of what you are all saying. Most people would not think of bonnie Scotland as a mission field. Scotland is known to have sent missionaries all over the world including David Livingstone and Mary Slessor to Africa. Yet so many people are now being sent from other countries to this land as missionaries. I am one of them, sent from Australia back to the country of my birth. Yet after 5 years of praying for this country and being alongside someone who is leading a work here to see freedom in worship, using of gifts and ministry to the lost, there is almost as much apathy in this town as the day we arrived. Recently my son (24) was attacked viciously in Australia and now has plates in his face holding it together. God would not allow me to go back for him. The thoughts started… these people are not grateful, they don’t care, did God really tell you to come here?, are you imagining you are on a mission work, what good have you done in 5 years?, you have just stirred things up and for what?
There is so little work here and no matter what I do to get my business going, I am getting the same results as so many other people where I cannot earn a living from it and I am not paid by the church. I am living off the money from the sale of my house, and thankful to have it, but then the thoughts about that start too? I am able to show people the beauty that God has given us through my photography but then the doubts start about why the business isn’t earning and why I miss out on jobs by one person even though they say I was in close running with the person who got the job. So the thoughts start about being a failure and on and on. Sometimes I just scream at them ‘get behind Jesus satan.’ Other times it is very wearing and tiring.
I agree totally that we conquer by continuing. Sometimes I just want to say enough is enough, but then I remember that Jesus had that choice too and I am so glad he didn’t. This wilderness in the Land of Eden (Scotland) every now and then shows some gems in other Christians who have the same desire and are willing to pay the price. God never leaves us alone and even when the voices are at their worst we can remember that God has a plan for us to prosper us, to give us a future and a hope.
I have to remember that although I am praying for this land and its people, it is first that I do this work ‘as unto the Lord’ and then for the people. The song says, ‘though none go with me still I will follow, no turning back, no turning back. What a relief to find other like minded people. Thank you for letting me share.
Jan
This article really spoke to me. I am in the Bay Area (California) and I cannot describe, particularly among the youth, the utter lack of enthusiasm for anything Christian. It saddens me. Keep up the good work with this blog…hopefully others will follow.
For me the voices here in Portugal are even weirder like the one that continues to play in my mind about the word “estrangeiro.” That’s the word for foreigner in Portuguese; stranger.
Of course the Portuguese attach no negative feelings to that word, its just their word for foreigners, but my goodness my mind loves to dwell on that.
“You’ll always be different.”
“You’re just a stranger.”
“Outsider? No, loser. Why don’t you just leave.”
They don’t stick but like you said, come awfully close…enough for a flesh wound sometimes.
Thank you all for your encouragement.
@DMW: I’d be lying to say that none of what you wrote entered our minds at several points over our 5 years.
@Jan: Ditto to those struggles. Only God knows how long He wants each of us in our fields.
@Kevin: It does hurt. I’m sure you understand.
We lived and worked in Pakistan for six years, in Karachi. The voices got very loud and insistent toward the end. It was just after the Iraq war and I’d come home each day wondering if I’d be coming home to corpses.
Our Punjabi friends had said, “you’ll need to keep a low profile.” Our Pashtun friends had said, “There’ll be folk running around with guns looking for foreigners to shoot.”
We’d moved, under advice from the church and the mission, from our comfortable, albeit challenging, katchi abadi lifestyle to another part of town with high concrete walls (topped with broken glass) and an armed guard.
I got really sick almost immediately after we left. Then I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I don’t think I handled the voices well. I listened too much to them, too little to the Lord.
So, yeah, I identify very much with the whole experience. I hope I’ve learned something from the experience.
God is calling me into the mission field and the last few months of my life have been a time of preparation in my heart and my Spirit. I just found this site and it was very encouraging to me to read this post because I have been having some similar thoughts and struggles. I’m in a time of transition and the other side of this transition is a huge step closer to my going into the mission field. I have been tempted to give up but God keeps bringing my focus back to Him and He has told me that I have to learn how to shut out these “voices” because they are, like you said, only going to be louder in the midst of battle on the mission field. Then God was encouraging me to persevere and to endure. Perseverance brings proven character and proven character brings hope. By endurance we gain our reward. And what greater reward is there than to see many sons and daughters brought to glory?!! So thank you for sharing.
@Bruce: You’ll learn from the experience; I know we have. God is very efficient that way!
@Elizabeth: Thank you. I believe honest discussion about difficulties and good things on mission can only strengthen the Body of Believers.
I appreciate the post. My husband is a pastor in a small church in the Midwest, and I just found this link on a friend’s Facebook page…and as another friend said, most of these resonate with pastors (and their wives) as well. We’re going through a particularly rough patch… one particular parishioner seems to be trying to keep us from having any influence in the church, and it’s almost gotten to the point of personal attacks at times… and it’s good to know that there are others out there who face the same issues. I especially hear the hopelessness, the unwanted feeling, and the idea of being an “alien with a foreign agenda” more often than I would like. It’s hard to preach growth when growth is seen as change and change is seen as compromise. We keep on, but please pray for us when you think of us.
@Angelynn: Your situation is very, very familiar to us. Keeping you in prayer.