Recently, a woman in my church sought counsel on a possible marriage. On the surface, it sounded pretty standard-issue stuff: they’d met on an Internet dating site a couple of months ago and, both being young and impatient, wish to hurry things along and get married quickly. The woman was concerned as she felt he was pressing things really quickly, including premarital intimacy. I’m sure you already know what needed to be said considering Biblical standards, and it was. However, when you bring their respective cultures into the picture, there’s more to the story.
She, being from Eastern Europe, was viewing this as a transaction. After answering a few questions, it became clear that she had essentially the same attitude of a mail-order bride: I’m trying to escape bad living conditions. There also seemed to be a bit of loneliness adding to the situation, plus a cultural attitude from her country that women at her age who were married with children were much more revered and respected than a single woman.
He, being from an African nation, was also viewing this as a transaction. In my mission field, sham marriages to avoid deportation are not illegal, and he made it clear that he needed her help to stay here. When she described some of his actions and reactions to her, a quick view of his country’s cultural norms on the (mis)treatment of women showed me that she had no idea what she might be getting into.
The cultural norm for my mission field would be that people pair up for love, not convenience nor by arrangement. They would not usually have dire living conditions to escape. However, the immediate family would have a lot of say and participation in the match and subsequent relationship. People here care, to an unhealthy extreme, about what others think.
And my background from the States would encourage me to feel that people should be more independent about considering cultural norms and their relationships, yet discourage a marriage of convenience.
Despite the fact that I have researched and trained for my mission field here in Western Europe, there’s such a mix of varied groups represented here that it’s a virtual minefield to understand how to convey guidance and understand how that might be misinterpreted due to a person’s cultural background. With a bit more research, I was able to at least understand why their respective life situations would make a sham marriage seem like a way out.
The marriage is off—for now. She appeared to receive the Biblical counsel I provided, yet I could see the desperation in her eyes. I pray that God will help us all as our incredibly different cultures collide.
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Wow, this is tough to counsel. I have also had this situation come up.
Marriage definitely can be looked at from many different perspectives in different cultures and was a shock for me when I first started to figure this out. It is really hard for single men and women in Eastern Europe, especially Christians, as even the churches many times will practically force people to marry thinking this is what will create stability in a person’s life.
@Michelle: Yes, it is tough. The man in this situation also seemed to be using the same approach as you describe.