We’re back in the States. For now.
We’ve been back for a few months. Praying, waiting, seeking God’s direction. I didn’t mean to leave the blog with the cliffhanger of “The Voices in Your Head”, but shortly after that entry things went horribly wrong at the church we were serving.
Elders, deacons and church members spoke some of those exact words I had typed in April. Those voices became real. And there’s no way they read the blog; only my Other Half knows about it.
But that’s not the problem. We’ve had worse said and done to us. We’re grown-ups. We can take it. The real problem was that they used those words to justify their next step, which was to take the church down a very unBiblical path. And the membership made their stand firm.
We knew resigning was our only option, but what made it so hurtful was that, in leaving that church, it effectively killed our immigration permission. Due to new laws, we had to leave, seek another ministry opportunity in the mission country and then attempt to reenter later, resetting all permission back to the beginning. And those new laws have become ultra-restrictive to any new missionaries.
Almost 5 years of ministry stopped in what felt like a heartbeat. We had to return back to the States, completely unplanned and unprepared. It was (and still is) awkward, uncomfortable and left us pretty emotionally drained. But the most interesting part was in the leaving.
If you look at the About section of this blog and the early post “When Missionaries Leave on Bad Terms”, you read my confusion about former missionaries leaving and hating our mission field in Western Europe. I believe this experience may have answered my question from 2008.
When we knew we had to leave, we started to inform and explain to those around us; we didn’t just disappear. If you’ve read any of this blog, you’ll quickly understand that we’ve worked so hard to communicate in context with the nationals. Though some were most understanding and have kept contact with us to this day, many shocked us with their responses to why we were leaving.
“You’re lying.”
“This isn’t that big of a deal. Why not just stay, ignore the problem until you get citizenship in a few years and then quit the church?” (from a national pastor, of all people)
“You’ve got some other plan that you’re hiding, like a better paying job.”
The day we were flying out of the country, we even received an anonymous text saying something to the effect of: “I know what you really did. You should have come clean, but you’ve made it worse. You think you’re escaping this today, but it will follow you.”
Whoa. Talk about kicking us when we’re down. I think I’m starting to understand some people’s reactions if this is anything of their experience in leaving. Not saying it’s right, but we’re still working through some anger issues over the abusive, bullying and untrue comments that came directly to our face from Deacons and Elders.
At this point, I still couldn’t be in the same room with some of them and be civil. I’ve lived long enough to know that this, too, will pass. But it’s pretty raw at the moment.
So here we find ourselves in a weird limbo state: an unexpected furlough. Hopping from relative’s house to relative’s house, catching up on the last 5 years. America is a very different place than the one we left. We’re not the only ones out of a job and trying to figure out what’s next. It seems like now, when you say you don’t have the money for something, unlike before, people actually believe you.
Soon we embark on the presentations to our supporting churches, the part I really dread. It’s going to be difficult to see photos on the video of what we accomplished while there, knowing what was said and how it ended. And the requisite staying in different places with people you don’t really know. Not fun.
Yet we don’t want to give up the opportunity to show people what their church’s contribution helped accomplish (actually, a lot of long-lasting good, despite the end), nor the opportunity to challenge people on what missions can look like and where that can happen (see “We All Know What Happens When We Assume…”).
We’re still very gutted over the whole thing, still trying to make sense of it and at the same time finding our way forward. We don’t hate God, we’re not leaving ministry, and we still believe we are missionaries.
But not in Western Europe, at least, for now.
No related posts.
Our hearts go out to you and our prayers go up to the Lord on your behalf.
We know that pain you describe, both on the field and in a stateside local church.
I have to leave Germany too, also because of highly restrictive immigration laws.
I took an unexpected vacation in Taiwan for 3 months, staying in my pastor’s house for the duration. I kept wanting to come back to Germany and working for a church in Berlin through BFD, but it didn’t work out because the church wasn’t able to get the proper paperwork done, leading to my visa application being rejected. Furthermore I realized that location isn’t so important as long as I can do what I love. Seems the bigger problem with being missionaries in Europe isn’t the people (if anything if you look hard enough outside the church, you will find some good people), but it’s the church and the region’s ultra-restrictive immigration laws, not to mention it just seems there’s a discrimination against anyone who isn’t white.
So I came to Germany again and told the church that I won’t be doing BFD anymore since I felt it’s more important that I work with my hands rather than deal with people. I will be going back to Taiwan to establish a shop making or repairing guitars. I think there are a lot of risk but also potentials too, because few people in Taiwan can or want to do this. I may travel back to Germany or other European countries in the future to buy supplies or attend conventions.
@Gene: Thank you for your prayers. We need them! From the personal responses I’ve been receiving, our situation is not as unusual as we first thought.
@Tai Fu: I’m sorry things didn’t work out in Germany. I’ve seen the non-white discrimination that you speak of, but our race was used against us in the end, and we’re as white, European-descended and English-speaking as those in our field. Unfortunately, I think the “you’re not like me/us” defence is an easy default for people aren’t open-minded, and in fairness, I’ve seen it here in the US, too. As a Californian, there are states that would not be happy if I lived there–yet I’d be as American as they would be! Glad you’re finding a new direction in ministry.
I am very saddened to read this news. I discovered your blog over the summer and read my way through most of your previous postings. I have family connections to the country you were working in and I found many of our comments educational and enlightening. I also found your views about mission refreshing.
You don’t specify the unBiblical direction in which things were going, but I was interested in the national pastor’s remarks. I get the impression that the issue was one which the nationals found it hard to accept as a resigning matter. I respect the fact that you wish to keep many things confidential, but are you able to say what the issue was?
@David: No, not at this time.
I am praying for y’all. This sounds like a terrible thing to have to go through. How wonderful that you realize it’s people, not God, who are causing the issues. God is with you! And the truth always comes out in the end. Be strong.
Ugh! I am sorry that this discouraging situation is happening to you. I have really enjoyed your site and have learned a lot.
My wife and I have been here in Germany for two years and will be going back for our first furlough at the beginning of the year.
I didn’t want to go on our first furlough so soon but we have no choice because of being underfunded. I say that because your post has helped me put our furlough in perspective. I am glad we are able to leave on good-terms with the intention of only staying gone for 4 months.
I am not exactly sure what your guys desire is but I sure hope you are able to find another place to work in western Europe. Missionaries are definitely needed here! But, of course, you all ready knew that.
Would love to read updates when you guys have some!
Thank you for your service in missions and for blogging about it! I have enjoyed it for the last year or so. Getting ready to head into missions also and so appreciate being shown glimpses of the reality of it. Good and difficult. Have prayed before based on some of your posts and will pray again.
@Maryanne: Thank you, we do know that God allowed this for some reason. I’m glad we’re not mad at Him or abandoning ministry altogether, but I wish other former missionaries we know would feel like we do.
@David: God bless you as you return to raise support. I found people understood when missionaries had to leave due to financial reasons; that would have been an easier reason for us, too. And updates will be forthcoming with the impending presentations and this extended time of reflection.
@Jen: Thank you.
Hey CH
So sorry it ended the way it did. But I have two words for you:
Southeast Asia.
If you feel that your time overseas is at a junction and not a finish line, think and pray on it. I was in Cambodia last summer and wow, there are some amazing things going on in that nation.
Prayers with you. I’m subscribing to your blog to stay tuned. How did I not know about your blog sooner? My bad….!
(ps..if you ever make it to Portland, OR, give me a holler!)
As much as I hate to agree to the above, it’s true.
As much as I dislike the Asian mentality (not necessarily culture), people there are far more receptive to God, churches are far less likely to turn into another fortune 500 corporation, and it just looks like things are progressing nicely there.
@Pam: Welcome to the blog, and thanks for your thoughts. We’re considering what’s next and will reveal when it’s time.
@Tai Fu: I agree about the “Fortune 500 Corporation”. I’m working on a blog post which includes that for the near future.
Grace to you and your family as you transition.
I’m glad to hear that you will still be blogging occasionally, despite your departure from the mission field.
I have found a lot of your posts interesting and educational. I have never been a missionary, but I have lived and worked abroad in a non-English speaking country, so many of the culture shocks you describe are quite familiar. What was a big surprise to me was that the country that you were working in takes such a hard toll on missionaries there.
The pain can take your breath away at moments. I pray that it doesn’t take away or deaden your softness of spirit before the Lord. That would be the greatest loss.
I will hold you and your family up in prayer through this next season. That the visits to churches would be refreshing and life-giving. That God would constantly bring you rest
and retreat into His word. And that this next season would be one where a new dream can begin, a spark, a joy of what is next!
Wow, I’m gutted for you, too, having followed you from time to time over the past years. I can’t imagine how it would be to leave on such bad terms and then have to watch “good times” on your footage at churches!! May God grant you grace, the ability to forgive and to not let a root of bitterness take hold. Remember the enemy is loving this and would love to see you abandon God’s will for your life and his kingdom. I pray and trust God that you won’t, but will regroup and keep looking to him for next steps. Feeling very much for you, your sister, Kathy
@John and @David: Thank you.
@The Reluctant Missionary: It did, but it hasn’t. The timing on your comment was definitely needed and God-ordained.
@Kathy: Gutted was how we felt, too. And it has been bittersweet to watch the footage and talk about the past. Thank you for your prayers; we desperately don’t want to be bitter and are keeping our eyes on God.
Just want to give another word of encouragement to you guys. I only just discovered your blog and have enjoyed reading through some of it today. We serve in Southeast Europe and have been through the wringer before as well. We started in ’99 and in ’01 were sent “home” by our agency. Lots of very hurtful things were said by folks connected with our organization and our sending church and we entered a very dark time. Unlike you, I think we did get mad at God though we never planned to quit. It always came back to the sense that God was not finished with us, nor was there anywhere else to go – like Peter said, “Where else will we go – you have the words of life?” After over 4 years or praying, searching, lots of changes, etc, God brought us back here and now we have just completed 6 years being back.
I’ll be praying that God will continue to speak to you – louder than the “voices in your head”, and that He will bring you back to Europe – the need is so great here. As Reluctant said above – I pray that your times visiting supporters will be good times of fellowship as well as times where you and your family are built up and encouraged.
@M: Thank you for the timing of your comment. We’re not mad at God, but we have a lot of anger otherwise. Visiting supporters has, unfortunately, not gone well, with a couple of exceptions. I cannot say “never” to returning to Europe or missions or ministry, but right now we need to retreat for a time to recover.